How Ryan O’Callaghan’s story of being gay in the NFL is helping to smash stereotypes
Ryan O’Callaghan was out for just a couple months when he was requested to contribute to’Note to self’, a much-loved section on a few of the greatest morning TV shows of America.
Michelle Obama, Oprah Winfrey, Joe Biden and Kermit the Frog are simply a couple of the names voicing and writing personal letters of guidance to smaller versions of themselves.
Speaking directly to cam, O’Callaghan connects. As a lineman, he played 50 games however there is no discussion of glory times. The ability is a blessing in itself. When her foreword was written by CBS This Morning co-host Gayle King of’ Note to Self’ letters for a particular print version, O’Callaghan was said by her specifically. «It is not easy to select a favourite, but I still keep going back into Ryan’s letter over and over. No one would ever consider that burly, tobacco-chewing NFL lineman and suspect that he felt alone and broken so ashamed of being homosexual that he’d even started planning his suicide.»
O’Callaghan says his self-worth was low as might be «if you’re gay, you are as good as dead,» he recalls thinking at his career peak in 2006 and 2007, the year that the Patriots went undefeated in the regular season – which makes it tough to equate that anguished, closeted soccer player from ten years or so ago with all the assured, confident figure of today. As a storyteller , expectations readily shatter, although he’s not inscrutable. It’s among the reasons why he felt compelled to compose’My Life On The Line’, his autobiography published this week.
«I’ve had the ability to change a great deal of opinions,» he tells Sky Sports, speaking from his home country of California. On the book’s cover, a sweating O’Callaghan stands in a helpless Pats jersey, a 7inright tackle built to shield quarterbacks – the archetypal macho guy, but one having a careful look at his eyes. From the memoir, he explains the roots of the panic which gripped him how he was pushed by his physicality into football, why he even also held his cupboard door shut, when the downhill spiral struck and what finally saved him.
Composed with Cyd Zeigler, » the author and co-founder of this influential LGBTQ sports site Outsports, the book starts with O’Callaghan outlining the origins of his anxieties – the everyday homophobia and hypermasculine culture that abounded as he grew up in conservative Redding, over 200 kilometers north of gay-friendly San Francisco. He determined that his family members shouldn’t find out his secret or he would be a disappointment, disowned by those closest to him. He lays out a play-by-play of his own strategy to conceal in the plain sight of football, building hope but also suspense through his sometimes and frank reflections on the price tag of self-avoidance with the reader.
Now that he truly knows himself, O’Callaghan can spell out where a number of the issues lie for a whole good deal of guys in environments like team sports. «One man told me that I’m definitely the most palatable gay man they have ever met. That’s far from an suitable point to say – but I understand where he’s coming out of.
«If it requires someone meeting with a man like me, who takes himself in a specific way, to kind of open up their eyes, then that’s fine. But I’d like to find out that men like me, who are big and masculine, also have it easy from the gay world. There’s a good deal of couples who can not walk down the road with their boyfriend holding hands without getting something screamed from a vehicle driving by. It would take somebody with a lot of courage and, quite frankly, stupidity to mouth me off like this.»
The physicality of o’Callaghan was part of his protection. In the University of California, he spent his time»keeping up appearances» – placing on unnecessary weight, wearing the baggiest clothes he could find, attempting to repel girls while his buddies and team-mates hunted out their own company. However the part of the disguise was the sport. «Football was my cover for being gay,» he says. «A lot of people do things to hide that, like dating a woman – but I just have zero fascination with girls whatsoever. I don’t have. I can not figure it out for the life span of me.»
He names that chapter’The Beard’ – slang for something which offers a cloak of heterosexuality. «I was not confident enough that I would do a great enough job deceiving a girl that I was straight. I believed that could blow my cover, so that’s why I chose football.»
By simply suggesting that camouflage such as his is not uncommon in the NFL today, After a interview, O’Callaghan made headlines. «There is a really significant chance that at least one guy on every team is either gay or bi. I left that remark with a tiny bit of knowledge, just because I have had guys come to me. But basic statistics will state that too.» He is unsure whether it makes for an eye-catching headline, or whether the vast majority of football fans are really surprised by this. «Everybody responds differently, but there are still a great deal of individuals who don’t understand that gay people come in all shapes, sizes, kinds… not everybody’s a stereotype. In fact most gay guys aren’t exactly the stereotype.»
His own commitment to conformity, or what had been considered to be’ordinary’ («another word I am not a big fan of»), nearly broke O’Callaghan. A shoulder injury forced him to miss the 2008 season and having made a pact with himselfhis desire turned into an issue of life and passing. In 2009, he also joined the Chiefs and never having first started handling pain with bud back in his Cal times – he writes of how»it dulled a lot of the pains and aches… it made my entire body feel better in a way the Vicodin just disguised» – that he knew he had been running the danger of discovery from the drug testers. They got him. Not long later, he sustained a torn groin and became dependent.
Patriots legend Rob Gronkowski has spoken in favour of relaxing the NFL principles on CBD and weed petroleum. But even though 11 US countries have legalised marijuana for recreational and health functions, O’Callaghan isn’t anticipating change to come. «They’re in a difficult spot in regards to cannabis usage, despite the fact that there are a few countries where there are groups in which it’s legal.
«The NFL could do exactly what they desire, but it could be rough for them to just say’yes, if you play to get a California or Colorado staff, or whoever else where it is legal, you can smoke marijuana’. You attempt to have policies that are blanket across the entire league as who knows if that may entice a group to be chosen by some guys over another just because they can legally smoke marijuana?
«It is no secret that a good deal of athletes smoke bud. But to do it legally and have it as an actual policy in the League? I believe that’s still some time off, and will need to be directly linked to national laws.»
O’Callaghan became hooked on the NFL narcotics. «I’m carrying an absurd amount of painkillers, up to 30 tablets of different strengths,» he lists in the publication. Seven years later, he fears footballers could possibly be heading down a similar road. «There’s still the exact identical strain to have the ability to exercise, and perform on Sundays. Management is always looking for someone who’s even younger, or a bit cheaper, and if you are not playing and practicing, you do not have value.
«So men are going to do what they need to do. I really don’t know whether the amount of painkillers that they prescribe has changed or not since I played, but I think realistically I can say that guys are still becoming prescribed exactly what they want or desire.»
The results of O’Callaghan’s dependency were bills running to tens of thousands of dollars (he hardly saved some money for his retirementas he did not expect to be around to pay it) along with the exacerbation of his complex mental health problems. Even though he admits to an inkling of interest in NASCAR, unsurprisingly, he has no NFL passion now as it was only ever a means to an end; sports in hold limited appeal because of him. Yet he retains great esteem for football, what it requires to be a successful group, along with also the extraordinary commitment.
Gronkowski, who retired in March with won three Super Bowl rings and hundreds of other accolades, is just one such player. «He’s a tremendous athlete,» says O’Callaghan, that left New England the year before Gronkowski was drafted. «I am knowledgeable about the injuries he has had to deal with, the concussions and whatever else.» He’s sympathy overly for Andrew Luck, who stop the Indianapolis Colts mentioning the punishing cycle of injuries and rehabilitation. Luck is older than’Gronk’, also O’Callaghan was a similar age in which his pro career ended. «I can not blame someone for wanting to have the ability to play together with their children when they’re 50 years old. It is not a move at all to consider yourself. You have got to, since nobody else is going to.»
His voice has been found by O’Callaghan through finding his awareness of self – and that the NFL is currently still listening. He was asked by commissioner Roger Goodell for advice on how to encourage closeted gamers, also O’Callaghan is supported by the answer. «You can’t go and tap these players around the shoulder, so that I explained how being visibly supportive helps – and in the last two decades, the NFL have experienced floats at the New York Pride parade. This year, they had sponsored the parade itself, and also in addition to the floatthey had me around the NFL Network to really talk about it to their fans. In years past they have only done things quietly and beneath the radar. But today they are performing more in the eye, and that is only likely to help.»
He is also hugely thankful to the Patriots multi-billionaire owner Robert Kraft, who has given»a generous donation» into the new Ryan O’Callaghan Foundation that will offer scholarships and mentorship into LGBT+ pupils, primarily athletes. O’Callaghan states each dollar earned from’My Life On The Line’, speeches and appearances will go into the fund, but that it will take more than cash to create a civilization where everyone can thrive through authenticity. «You can’t just write a test and say decent luck. I would rather have a few folks that we actually see, link up with, and mentor – to help them along the way – rather than simply financially.» He admires the work of the Play Project, first launched at the NHL in 2012.
The morning talk shows and media chances have given a stage to reach others also to inspire young athletes to O’Callaghan. He’s been invited to talk about absolutely free agent Ryan Russell coming out as bisexual. He’s sensible to the broad selection of opinions and responses to anything regarding sexuality in athletics; he cites that there was also an assortment of views around the quarterback’s motives for quitting and the timing of Luck’s retirement. «Fans are not necessarily thinking of this participant as a person. They have got to realise that we’re all people and everyone’s going through something»
O’Callaghan considers nothing short of a loved one telling him’it’s OK to be gay’ could have been sufficient to stop him from being closeted, and also for everything else that went with that adventure to be avoided by him. But when people are only indifferent, does this have an effect? «Well, there’s the’who cares?’ Response such as,’who cares, we adore you way’. But then there’s the»who cares, it is not a major deal, I do not care about your personal life’ response.
«For those folks, they are the ones it is almost more important to achieve as they can learn something about the battle for equality which still exists»
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